


farewell

by lov3well



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Domestic Violence, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:46:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26393611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lov3well/pseuds/lov3well
Summary: “We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them.”— Anaïs Nin
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 11
Kudos: 47





	farewell

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by rapper Eminem's song "Farewell"

Just the two of them. 

It was simple from the very beginning, as if fate had decided long before they were walking, talking bodies that they’d be tethered together like shoelaces. 

Gon and Killua. Killua and Gon. 

The pair were inseparable, one never too far from the other, though it became a problem in primary school when their teachers would be forced to partner them with other children, often becoming too chatty and disruptive. 

Gon, the hazel-eyed, bronze-skinned, black-haired live wire was truly magnetic both in personality and looks. Since boyhood, he greeted everyone he met with a smile on his face, followed by a rough bear hug that could sometimes be overwhelming for others.. Raised in a humble home by his Aunt and Grandmother, he’d acquired an appreciation for the “little things” in life. The sheer beauty of the outdoors had captured his spirit; he saw the earth, sky, wind and water as the world’s most natural form of entertainment. 

He loved people—he loved _life_ , and to him, each day was a chance to explore and make a new friend. 

And then there was Killua, who was as mischievous as he was bright. Born with sparkling blue eyes and skin and hair that was so white he could blend into a snow storm. The snarky, know-it-all rich kid knew what it took to piss people off - especially his own family. Having grown up in a mansion bigger than most museums, he liked to cause mayhem whenever he felt the shadows of boredom creeping in. Pranks were his specialty, and despite holding a strong belief for respect and discipline, his work-oriented parents had never corrected it. 

Neither could remember when they’d first met, but figured it must have been sometime around the age of three, when Gon’s Aunt Mito would often catch her nephew frolicking in the Zoldyck’s garden to play with frogs. He hadn’t known then that he had been playing in a residential garden guarded by long, expensive-looking silver gates and firm watchmen. 

Gon and Killua. Killua and Gon. 

They knew each other so well, down to the other’s least favorite cereal and the birthmarks concealed in odd places. They knew how to make the other laugh and smile, or how to make them confess a secret. They knew the best spots on the ribs to tickle during play-fights and what pizza toppings to ask for when ordering takeout. 

The two had grown accustomed to each other like the way a person’s back gets used to a mattress. Without Killua, Gon felt tense, the muscles in his body strained and his bones stiff. Without Gon, Killua felt panicky, like the lack of his support meant that something was very, very wrong and needed to be fixed immediately.

Gon and Killua. Killua and Gon. 

By the time they were sixteen, they had settled into an after-school routine: Gon waited for Killua by the water fountain as soon as the last class had ended, then they walked to the corner store on the way to Gon’s house for drinks and snacks. 

On May 15th, the last official day of senior year before graduation, Gon greeted a tired Killua as he hoisted his backpack over his shoulders. 

“You don’t know how glad I am to be finished with high school.” Killua confessed, running long, slender fingers through his hair. Gon caught a glimpse of sunlight at the tips, his heart beating sporadically whenever his friend did that. 

“Tell me about it. I never want to see this place again.” He glanced back at the building, burning the image into his memory. He’d spent some valuable years there, learning and growing and changing. But now real life was approaching and he had to be ready. 

“But it was fun at times, right? Remember the day we skipped class to smoke under the bleachers?”

“Ha, yeah,” Gon winced, still feeling like they might get busted for it. “I remember.”

“And the food fight you started because a guy tipped over Zushi’s lunch tray?” 

Gon frowned. “That kid deserved it! What he did was mean.” 

Killua chuckled and took Gon’s hand, swinging it back and forth as they walked. A million butterflies erupted in Gon’s stomach at once and his head felt light, like it would drift away. He hoped Killua wouldn’t notice his hand getting sweaty, or that his breaths were quicker and louder. 

“You’re so funny, Gon.”

 _Does he really think that?_ Gon wondered, buds of hope sprouting in his chest. 

Killua glanced at him. “What’re you gonna do this summer? You know, before _life_ happens.” 

_Spend it with you._ He wanted to say, but shut it inside. 

“I plan on engaging with my Aunt more. She’ll be lonely all by herself once I leave for college. Y’know, since my grandmother…” Gon’s voice wavered. 

“I know,” Killua squeezed his hand. “But I bet she’s proud that you earned a full-ride!”

Gon smiled, remembering the initial shock he’d felt at the news. “I still can’t believe I actually got in. I mean, what were the odds?”

“You were accepted fair and square. I guess you’re a not as dumb as I thought you were.

“Hey!” Gon yelled. 

The pale teen almost keeled over in laughter. The sound was so light and buoyant, Gon didn’t want to go a day without hearing it. 

When Killua had finally caught his breath, Gon returned the question. 

“What are you gonna do this summer?” He asked, a little more hopeful than he wanted to let on. 

Killua gazed into space. “Hm…”

Gon inhaled. 

“I’ll probably get an early start on my reading assignments, and then I’ll take my little sister to the Grand Canyon. She’s always wanted to go there.” 

The disappointment hit Gon hard. He stared at the ground, dejected.

“Oh, and hang out with you, of course.”

His heart leaped up for joy, hope blooming inside him. How could he have been so stupid? Of course their last summer in Covedale would be spent together. They were best friends for goodness sake!

They were Gon and Killua. Killua and Gon. 

*

As they neared Gon’s house, the pair spotted a couple a few feet away. Killua, who’d been fiddling with the straw of his chocolate milk, nudged Gon in the side. 

“They’re arguing.” He whispered. 

Gon swallowed his potato chips and washed it down with some Arizona Fruit Punch. “Huh? Really?”

“Yeah. Just listen.”

They walked slower as they passed. 

_“You always do this, John! You take me out on dates just to flirt with other girls in front of me!”_ A woman shouted, her arms crossed tightly.

Her boyfriend wasn’t having it. He clenched his jaw, his brow twitching. 

_“What are you talking about, Lisa? All I did was greet that lady! You’re so fucking overdramatic and it’s really been getting on my nerves!”_

The woman slapped him, leaving a red handprint on his face. He raised his fist at her in sheer anger, but dropped it. 

_“You know what? Be that way. You’re right, those chicks were way hotter than you. I could've gotten one of their numbers too if you hadn't followed me around the whole time.”_ He took out his keys and pressed a button to unlock his car.

_“Fuck you. Drive yourself home, bitch.”_

A loud screech of tires. The man drove away, leaving the woman in his wake.

She caught the boys staring, so they hurried down the sidewalk, a gummy worm bouncing from Gon’s mouth. When she was out of sight, Killua turned to Gon, amused. 

“Man, was that funny!”

Gon stepped back. “Funny? That was terrible! We shouldn’t have been listening!”

Killua rolled his eyes, sipping from his drink. “Whatever. You’re such a buzzkill.” 

Was he? He didn’t think he was. Something about the couple's argument set a heavy feeling in his chest. It was _sad_ , not something to be entertained by. He felt bad for the lady, who’d been ditched in the middle of the street by a man who’d probably said he loved her at one time. 

“Do you think she’s okay?” Gon asked, more to himself than to his friend. 

Killua shrugged. “Beats me.” 

The boys stopped in front of Aunt Mito’s front porch, finally hidden from the early summer rays. They sat on a lawn chair sharing one seat, Gon’s legs outstretched onto the wooden floor. He rested his head on Killua’s shoulder, softs tufts of hair tickling his earlobe. 

He felt Killua’s chest slowly rise and fall, his even breaths like a hot air balloon that made Gon want to float. Killua turned his chin slightly, his voice low and calm. 

“We’ve been friends for a long time, haven’t we?”

Gon nodded, nuzzling closer to him. “Yeah, we have.”

“It surprises me sometimes,” he shifted, wrapping his arm around Gon’s torso. “But I’m thankful for it.”

“Me, too.” Gon agreed. 

They stayed like that for a while in a peaceful quiet, watching as the sky’s blue suffused into a warm tangerine. The porch light above their heads started to attract moths, buzzing around the bulb like tiny hummingbirds. 

Killua slowly got up, freeing his arm from Gon’s weight as the tan boy rubbed his eyes. 

“I gotta go. Say hi to your aunt for me, okay?”

Gon rose. “Call me tomorrow?”

He startled himself at the hurried, needy words, resisting the urge to stop Killua—to make him stay for just a few minutes longer. His friend’s presence was mellow, calming and limited, like a candle lit over and over again until its wax dwindled. 

The humid air had cooled considerably, drying the dampness from Gon’s forehead. He teetered on his feet, looking everywhere but at _him._ A few seconds passed when he felt a quick pat on his forearm. 

“Sure thing.” Killua winked, heading down the porch steps and onto the street. He turned to wave at Gon once he reached the mailbox, bearing a kind, gentle smile. 

Gon watched him leave, thinking that if there were anyone on earth whom he was destined to meet, it was Killua. 

He heard a small tapping noise, turning to see his aunt signaling him through a small window to come inside. 

Aunt Mito stood in their tiny kitchen, pouring tea from a kettle.

“How was your last day?” She asked, setting a cup of tea on the wooden table in front of him. Her once beautiful, strong red hair had become wispy and faded-brown, reminding Gon that she wasn’t getting any younger. 

“It was good. We didn’t do much today, just watched movies in the classroom and cleaned out our lockers.” He set his backpack on the floor and kicked off his shoes. Their century-old checkered tablecloth was tattered at the edges and holed where years of hot plates had burned through. He used a spoon to stir the steaming cup, lost in thought.

“Have you still been walking home with Killua?”

He looked at her quizzically, taken aback by the confrontational tone.

“Uh...” He blinked. “...Yeah. Why?”

“I can tell because you’re taking too long to sip your tea. You must not be thirsty anymore.” She walked to the table, pulling out a chair to talk to Gon face-to-face. “That means you’ve already drank something. I know you two like to stop by Earl’s Convenience Store on occasion.

Gon squirmed at the accusation.

“Honey, you can’t spend _all_ ofyour time with him. You need to see your other friends, too.”

“I do see them!” He yelled defensively. “Just...not as much.”

His aunt sighed, picking a couple sugar cubes from a glass and dropping them in her own cup. 

“Gon,” She began, her voice soft. “You’re going off to college in a few months. You’ll be exposed to new things, new people.”

He continued stirring his tea, refusing to meet her gaze. 

What was she getting at?

“You and Killua have been best friends since you were toddlers. I know you enjoy his company and all, but I think it’s time you start thinking about your life after...after…” She searched for the words, humming quietly to herself. 

“After _this_. You’re an adult now, and you need to be more independent. Both of you do.”

Gon finally looked her in the eye, hoping that she didn’t mean what he thought she meant. 

“So we can’t hang out anymore?” He asked. 

His aunt’s panicked face said everything.

“No! I-I mean, yes! Of course you can hang out, Honey.” She clasped her hands, taking a deep, labored breath as if she were afraid of saying something wrong. “It’s just...I think you maybe shouldn’t _only_ hang out with him. I want you to do other things, like learning an instrument or taking karate classes or even coming with me to my knitting group. Anything you could do to find yourself.”

Gon trembled slightly at that, struck by her words. He knew that he and Killua were close, but did it really get in the way of his sense of identity?

Did he even care? 

“Okay, Aunt Mito. From now on, I’ll try to do more things on my own, and hang out with other people.” He assured her. 

She laid a palm on his resting hand, squeezing a little. Her touch was still as warm and comforting as ever.

“That’s great, Honey. You’ll be _so_ much happier, I promise.”

“Y-Yeah...ok…” Gon didn’t know what else to say. He knew as soon as he spoke that he wouldn’t follow through—No, Killua was just too important to him. He didn’t need other friends. He didn’t need alone time. He didn’t need instruments or karate lessons or knitting. 

He just needed Killua. 

His aunt rose from the table and left the room, leaving him to reflect. He turned to look out of the window, staring vacantly at the stippled sky. It was an interesting shade—lilac—pretty and light, as if God had started a watercolor painting and ran out purple, settling on pink. 

Gon sipped his tea. It was sweet and a bit tangy, just how he liked it. 

*

“Star-gazing was a good idea.” 

Gon shifted on the blanket to face Killua, energetic, tawny eyes meeting cool blue ones. They laid on an empty field that stretched for miles, filled with the chirping of cicadas in the distance. It was another summer night of shy glances and deep conversation, neither of them really knowing how to act around each other. 

“I’m glad you like it. I used to come out here with my older brothers all the time...you know...before they became assholes.” Killua muttered, playing with a blade of grass.

“How are your brothers, by the way?” 

Gon caught a hint of sadness wash over Killua’s face, leaving as quickly as it had come. He immediately regretted asking. 

“Milluki’s as annoying and rotten as ever. He’s doing an apprenticeship at a trade school in Iowa, probably failing miserably because plumbing has nothing to do with computers. He calls me every now and then.”

Gon chuckled, nudging him. “I’m surprised your parents didn’t force him to go to a university like they did you.”

Killua groaned. “They didn’t want to waste the money, I guess. If he had gone to traditional school, he probably would’ve dropped out within the first three weeks from boredom. I think he just wanted to have something under his belt. Plus, I’m the family’s heir, so I _have_ to receive an education.” He explained. 

“That makes sense.”

A beat of silence. He heard Killua take a weary breath. 

“Illumi is...well...Illumi. He said to me a couple years ago that lawyers make more overseas, so he booked a trip to Hong-Kong and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since.” 

“I’m sure things will get better with them. Just give it time.”

Killua didn’t respond, instead tugging on the blade of grass until it broke free from the dirt. He folded his arms beneath his head, blinking slowly. 

“What about Kalluto?” Gon asked. 

“He’s alright. Homeschool seems to be going well for him. Still my mother’s pet.” He laughed, the corners of his eyes creasing. 

“And Alluka?”

“Gon, you literally spoke to her last week.” Killua said dryly. 

Gon scratched the back of his head. “Heh, oh yeah.”

“But if you must know, she’s doing just fine. My parents haven’t been as...cruel towards her.”

“I’m happy to hear that. She’s lucky to have you.” 

Killua sighed, turning away from him. “I guess.”

Another long stretch of silence, and then an unexpected question. 

“When’s the last time you met up with your dad?”

Gon perked up. “Ging? Oh, we haven’t spoken since I was a sophomore. The last I heard, he was somewhere in Australia researching species of barrelopes.”

“I’m sorry, Gon.” Killua soothed, rubbing his thigh. Gon tensed as electricity shot up his spine. 

“D-Don’t be, I don’t miss him all that much a-anyway. I mean, he—”

Killua shushed him. 

“Let’s change the subject. I brought you out here for a reason.” He took hold of Gon’s hand, using the other to point at the sky. The warmth was something like magic, an explosion of passion and feelings and excitement and nerves. 

“Do you see that cluster of stars over there?”

Gon followed Killua’s finger until his eyes landed on a glistening array. He could make out the shape of them if he looked closely…

“Yeah! I see them!” 

Killua smiled. “That’s Orion. And if you look a little broader, you can make out what they call “Orion’s Belt.’”

“I see that too!” Gon squealed, crushing Killua’s hand until the pale teen yanked it away. 

“Oi, Gon! Too hard!” 

“Are there more?” He asked, scooting closer to his friend. 

“Yeah.” Killua pointed again, directing Gon’s view. “You see those over there? They’re called the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper.” 

Gon made an oval shape with his mouth, peering at the sea of stars. 

He was awestruck.

“It’s so beautiful, Killua.” He whispered, his breath laced with admiration. “Hey, what’s that one called?”

Killua squinted. “Oh, that diamond shaped one? That’s Lyra. One of my favorites.”

Gon had never heard Killua speak about something so excitedly before. His voice sounded childlike, as if they were six again and he was showing Gon one of his yo-yo tricks. He seemed eager and carefree, naming constellations off the top of his head and telling the stories behind them. 

Gon wanted him to be like this all the time—transparent—willing to teach Gon all the things he wanted to know. 

Once it reached midnight and the air had gone chilly, they decided to head back to the tent they’d set up a week earlier, the shared blanket wrapped around their shoulders. Killua tried his best to help a sleepy Gon walk as they plodded over jagged rocks and gaping mud holes, listening to the mass of crickets singing like a chorus. 

Inside the tent, subconsciously, Gon cuddled next to Killua, his spiky black hair poking the teen’s neck. 

Killua didn’t mind, though.

*

He hated grocery stores. 

They were cramped, cold, and usually costly, nothing like when he was younger and Aunt Mito grew most of their food. 

When he and his Aunt stopped into Far Better Foods, the grocery list cramped in her hand as she began her search, he did what any other kid would do, no matter the age. 

He clung to her side. 

“Gon, will you grab a box of pasta for me?” She asked, roaming the rice & grains aisle. Gon reached above her head to grab a box of Barilla, tossing it in the half-filled cart. His Aunt had planned to celebrate his late grandmother’s birthday with a home-cooked meal, even if it would just be the two of them eating. They’d made sure of it. 

She turned to Gon. “Did we already get breadsticks?” 

“Yes. It was the first thing we found, remember?”

“Eh...okay. Let’s look for the marinara sauce.” 

Gon didn’t show it, but he was quite nervous. He didn’t really know how to tell her about his...arrangement, or how to convince her it was even a good idea. Nonetheless, he had to bring it up somehow. 

“Aunt Mito?” He started, toying with his hands. 

“Hm?” She voiced, surveying the shelves. 

“I’m starting college in two weeks, and well...dorm rooms are expensive, even with scholarships.”

He decided it was best to ease in, rather than dropping a bombshell and hoping he’d live to explain himself. 

“True.” 

“They also have a lot of s-stupid rules and curfews.” He stuttered. The walls seemed to close around him, trapping him in place. The temperature had gone from uncomfortably cold to unbearably hot.

“Hmm...correct.” She continued on, examining the nutrition facts on jars of sauce while Gon beat around the bush. 

“A-And, well, I’d rather share a space with someone I’m familiar with anyway...you know, ‘cause who wants to be around strangers?”

She nodded, opening the lid of a jar to smell. “That makes sense.”

Gon chewed on his lip. Now or never. 

“I’m going to move into an apartment with Killua.” He blurted. 

His aunt whipped around a little too fast, knocking a jar to the floor. Marinara sauce splattered all over their clothes and across the tiles. 

Gon winced. 

“ _What?_ ”

*

_What is your availability?_

**Open, any day of the week.**

_Would you like to work full-time or part-time?_

**Part-time.**

_Do you have any previous work experience? If so, list them below._

**JCPenney, Cashier**

**EL Leffer Services, Bookkeeper**

Gon balanced the laptop over his knees, his head sunken into the pillow and feet tucked beneath the covers. He was on his twenty-fourth application that night and still had five more to go before he could stop. He was already exhausted from the previous night’s output of thirty-six applications, all of which were still unopened according to the website. 

Why was job searching so difficult? Every employer asked the same questions. Gon wasn’t the most qualified, but he was certainly capable! It seemed that no matter how much he enhanced his resume or sharpened his cover letter, he was still being overlooked. Even the simplest of jobs—waiting tables, housekeeping, warehouse work—were all picky in their own ways. 

He put the laptop aside, stretching his legs and arms to de-stress. Fall semester started in two weeks, and he was worried he wouldn’t find a good-paying job in time for him to make his first payment. He needed to make enough money to afford his half of the rent, as they’d both agreed on splitting the cost of living and allocating the other expenses. Gon would cover groceries, Killua utilities, and together they’d open a savings account. He also had his car payment and health insurance, which were additional headaches. 

He sighed and rubbed his temples, the panic of not finding a job making him want to jump out of his skin. He couldn’t and _wouldn't_ let Killua down. He needed to find a way to pull his own weight or their plans would be ruined. 

His phone buzzed next to him. Zushi. 

**Zushi** : 7:44 p.m.: Hey Hey 👋 

**Gon** : 7:44 p.m.: hey, what’s up!!

This was the first time he and Zushi had been in contact in months, what with his dorky friend being so studious and Gon spending most of his free time with Killua anyway. 

**Zushi** : 7:47 p.m.: Nothin’ much. I know you're planning on moving out soon. Have you found a job yet?

 **Gon** : 7:48 p.m.: it’s funny you ask… i’m applying to some right now and still nothing 😓

 **Zushi** : 7:50 p.m.: Good. I expected that. How’d you like to work at my job? I’m leaving for the Marines so they need someone to take my place. It’s good pay and flexible hours. 

He nearly dropped his phone while reading the text.Good pay and flexible hours? What more could he want?

 _Is this a gift from heaven?!_ He mused, joy bubbling inside him. 

**Gon** : 7:50 p.m.: really? yeah, i’d love to!!! and the marines? never knew you had it in you

 **Zushi** : 7:52 p.m.: Yeah, I decided going off to major in computer science wasn’t for me. I want to do something more purposeful, you know? Anyway, you’d be working as an Administrative Assistant for my boss. His name’s Wing. He’s...alright...but don’t push his buttons. 

**Zushi:** 7:52 p.m.: Are you sure about this?

 **Gon** : 7:52 p.m.: yes zushi!! wtf?!

 **Zushi** : 7:53 p.m 😅 Okay, I’ll give him your number. He should call you sometime tomorrow. 

He made a mental note to keep an open ear for future calls. 

**Gon** : 7:53 p.m.: thank u so much 😁

 **Zushi** : 7:54 p.m.: You’re welcome. I’m really gonna miss you while I’m gone. 

**Gon** : 7:55 p.m.: i will too, but we’ll definitely text

 **Zushi** : 7:55 p.m.: We better. Bye, Gon. 

**Gon** : 7:55 p.m.: bye zushi!

Gon was elated. He’d found something at last (or rather _it_ found him) that would allow him to live comfortably. He and Killua would share a space, alone, where they could talk as much and as loudly as they wanted. Where they could fool around and have pillow fights and watch movies and do whatever it was their young, eager spirits pleased. Where they could simply be.

He hopped off the bed, heading to the small living area where Aunt Mito sat sewing some sort of jacket, her thin, carrot-red bangs covering her eyes. She looked focused as she pulled the string and needle meticulously, the fabric folded over her lap. 

Gon tried to burn this image of her in his mind, never wanting to forget the way she carefully seamed their well worn clothes during his time away. 

“Honey?” She looked up, catching his stare. 

“Yes?”

“What are you doing?” 

Gon walked over to join her on the couch. “Just...remembering you.”

His Aunt laughed, turning the jacket over to work on one of its arms. “Remembering me? What for?” 

Her voice was tired, but light. Gon scooted closer to her. 

“Well, it’ll be awhile before I see you again. I don’t know how I’ll do it.” He admitted. 

She turned, moving the hair from her face to look at him. “You know, I said something similar to your father when he left me to take care of you.” 

His heart clenched at the confession. 

“Oh.” 

She wrapped her arms around his body, tugging him even closer to her. 

“But he left anyway. He cared for me, and he cared for you, but he left because he was in pursuit of something he felt was worth finding.” 

She laid a hand on his like she always did when she wanted to get through to him.

“And you will too. You’ll leave, because you have so many things you need to achieve in your life, more than I can do with you. You’ll be learning and experiencing things for the first time. Gon, it’s okay to leave. It doesn’t mean you don’t care for me. It just means there’s a bright future for you. You’ll see soon enough.” 

Her words comforted him, warmed him. He’d miss her, but he knew he needed to take this leap. He was stepping into a new chapter in his life, and he would do it with the essence of his aunt’s love behind him. 

“Do you think I’ll be okay?” he asked. 

She laughed once more, pinching his cheek. “I think you’ll be _absolutely_ okay. More than okay.” 

He smiled, scrunching his nose. “Argghhh! I’m too old for that.”

“Yet your cheeks are still as chubby as they were when you were four!” she joked. 

“Aunt Mito!” he shouted, pulling away. 

Gon left her to sew, walking back to his room to finish packing the last of his things. He and Killua would receive the keys in approximately three days, so he needed to have everything in order before then. 

As he was packing he noticed a small picture frame tucked in the corner of his closet, faced down so that the wooden tail stuck up. He picked it up, running his index finger down the side, frowning at the collected dust. 

It was a photo of him at around age seven, holding a fish he’d just caught when he and Aunt Mito took a trip to Iris Lagoon. He was missing three teeth, scraped-up, and fluffy as a marshmallow, but he looked so proud himself. 

He wondered if the boy in the photo would reflect the young man he was today—if that same sense of accomplishment was still present within him, leading him. 

A question floated in his mind...

_Am I who I want to be?_

He blew dust from the photo and set it in one of the cardboard boxes. 

*

“How’d she react when you told her?” 

Killua peeked his head from over the dressing room door, throwing a pair of jeans on the edge. It was the fifth pair he’d tried on and Gon was beginning to think Killua had only asked him to tag along so he could have someone to rate his outfits. 

“She was pissed...and shocked. She accidentally broke a jar of marinara sauce in the middle of the aisle. The stains wouldn’t come out of her skirt no matter how many times she washed it. “She made me spend my piggy bank money to buy her a new one.” Gon replied, leaning against a rack of t-shirts. 

“Oh, man! I would expect her to just ground you or something.” 

“Well, obviously you don’t know my aunt very well. She doesn’t like surprises.”

“Maybe not, but that sounded pretty dramatic.” 

The clothing store, Blackbird Apparel, was fairly empty due to it being a weekday and the fact that the mall's new arcade had stolen all of the other stores’ customers. Killua had complained earlier in the day that all of his clothes were “unstylish“ and “outdated,” but it took Gon one peek in Killua’s closet to know that wasn’t true.

Kathryn, the store associate, came to check on them. “How’re you doin’ in there?” She called out. 

“Good!” Killua returned. Kathryn smiled and walked away, leaving the boys to themselves. 

“Are you almost finished?” Gon whined, rubbing his stomach. “I want to get pretzels from Auntie Anne’s before they close.” 

“Why don’t you help me decide between these two pants? Get in here.” 

Killua unlocked the door, ushering for Gon to come in. Gon sat on the tiny built-in seat, watching as his friend moved in the mirror indecisively.

“Okay, so here’s the first one.” He said, turning for Gon to see. Gon nodded, giving him a thumbs up. 

“Looks great.”

“Tell me if this one’s better.”

Killua started to unbutton his pants, and a hot, uncomfortable feeling washed over Gon, as if his temperature had spiked and dropped in a single second. He squirmed a little, looking away but _not_ looking away. 

Killua’s pants fell to the floor, and he stood in his briefs, reaching for the other pair of jeans.

Gon tried hard not to stare at his friend’s beautiful figure, his toned, pale legs and plump, soft-looking backside. He wondered for a moment what it would look like bare, what it would feel like in his grip. 

Killua tried on the second pair, wiggling in the fabric until the jeans were at his hips. Gon was relieved. 

“How’s this?” He asked.

“Way better, actually. It fits you well.” It did. 

“Okay, then I’ll get these.” 

They left Blackbird in time for Gon to buy his beloved cinnamon sugar pretzels, chewing happily as they walked past a game shop and phone kiosk. Killua had opted for a slushie instead, his face contorting at the sournessness of the drink. 

“Taste this.” He demanded, holding out the cup for Gon to try. 

He took a sip, sloshing it around his mouth for a bit before making the same expression Killua had made.

“This has to be watermelon, or maybe kiwi?” he guessed. 

Killua wiped juice from Gon’s lip with his thumb, and Gon’s tongue went dry.

“Watermelon.” 

“O-Oh. Yeah, of c-course.” Gon coughed.

After visiting a few more stores (They left with about 10 bags, Gon holding the majority of them), they got back into Killua’s car, their sugar highs finally wearing off. Gon leaned back into his seat, staring out into the open road in front of them as Killua took the wheel. 

“Had fun?” Killua asked once they arrived at a stoplight.

Gon grinned from ear to ear. 

“Always.” 

*

Killua’s room was nothing like Gon’s—clothes folded neatly in drawers, cushions placed at the corners, and video game equipment stored in a bin. It had a large flat-screen TV and a mini dart board on the wall, something he used to let off steam. 

Despite attending two different universities, the boys often chose to study together at home instead of in their schools’ study halls. Textbooks and pencils sprawled all over the bed, they had a blast quizzing each other, laughing and snacking on popcorn, Killua sitting against the bedframe and Gon laying on top of his pillow. 

“Okay, what type of response does epinephrine result in?” 

“Parasympathetic.”

“Nope.”

“Sympathetic?”

“Yup.” 

Gon threw popcorn at Killua’s mouth, the light-toned boy extending his neck to catch the reward. It bounced off of his nose and onto the blankets. 

“How many questions do I have left, asswipe?” Killua quipped. 

Gon scanned the sheet of paper. 

“Well, you got about six questions right, so if you answer the next one correctly, then we’re done!” 

Killua beamed. “What will we do afterward?”

“Hmm,” Gon pondered. “I guess we can make prank calls?”

“Yeah!” Killua perked up, the corners of his mouth buttery. “Ok, c’mon. What’s the question?”

Gon folded his hands theatrically, pausing before he read the words. Killua shook the mattress in excitement. 

“What is determinism?” 

“The assumption that every event has physical, potentially measurable, causes.” he answered, sure of himself. He reached in his pocket, feeling for the cellphone. 

“Wow, you’re right! Good job, Killua.” 

Killua shrugged, smiling slightly at Gon’s praise. “Who’dya wanna call first? I think we should start with that old man who tries to sell us cheap mirrors. What was his name? Liorlio?”

“ _Leorio,_ Killua. And don’t you think we should give the poor guy a break? We’ve been prank calling him since we moved in.”

“Ugh, _fine._ You’re no fun.” Killua whipped out his phone, swiping through the random contacts until he landed on a familiar face. 

“Ms. Krueger, from the flower shop? Oh, you shameless bastard.” 

Killlua grinned, nothing but mischief in those blue eyes. 

After about an hour of frustrated shouts and fake, exaggerated accents, they’d laughed enough to require medical attention. Killua hung up the phone and set it aside. 

“I’ve never heard someone swear so much in my life.” He said, closing his notebooks and tucking papers in folders. 

Gon chuckled. “She always gives the best reactions. We should visit her shop tomorrow to switch around the plants or something.” 

“That’d be fun, but don’t you have work tomorrow?” 

Gon flopped his head on the pillow, his limbs limp and face buried. “Don’t remind me.” 

It wasn’t that he disliked the work he did for Wing, but rather the boss himself. Wing had a habit of overanalyzing _everything,_ from the pace at which Gon typed documents to the way he curled his a’s and j’s when writing a check. The tall, solemn man with glasses often disregarded personal space. Gon would be sitting at his desk completing tasks and Wing would be standing right above him, practically breathing down his neck. 

His time with Wing wasn’t enjoyable, but it paid the bills. 

“I’m not much better off. My parents say they’ll cut my allowance by half if I don’t show up to their stupid wine party.” Killua complained. 

Gon rolled his eyes, poking Killua playfully. “Whatever, you rich brat.” 

“Hey! I’m not just an airhead with deep pockets. I understand what it means to earn things, you know.” 

“Like what?” Gon teased, deciding to mess with him a bit. 

“Like...my grades. I study hard for those.” Killua moved closer, laying parallel to Gon’s body. 

“Hmm. That’s...true. What else?”

“My sister’s safety. I had to run away for weeks in order to convince my family to treat her better.” 

Gon recalled a time when they were in seventh grade and Killua had missed school for what seemed like a month. He missed Killua dearly and found it difficult to focus in class without his friend. When Killua returned, he didn’t explain why he’d been gone or where he’d been, but Gon felt it was better not to ask. 

“Can’t fault you there.” He shuddered. “But is that all?”

Killua placed a hand on Gon’s cheek, his face inches from his own. 

“Well, I’m not sure if I’ve earned it _yet_ , but I want to.”

Gon was confused by just what he meant. Did Killua need help?

“What is it?” He asked. 

“Your love.” 

The _huh?!_ escaped his throat before he could catch it, and his heart sank when Killua glanced away in shame. The pale boy retreated, hiding his face from Gon’s view.

“I-I’m sorry, Gon. Forget I said anything. God, I feel so dumb.” Killua rambled, his face burning red. 

Gon reached for his arm, pulling him back. “Wait.” 

Killua looked up. 

“I...uh..m-me too. I want your love too.” Gon stuttered, hoping Killua would understand just how serious he was. 

“Really?” Killua’s eyes gleamed bright, as if they were made of jewels, of diamonds. Gon loved it. 

“Yeah. I’ve...felt like this for a while, but I wasn’t sure if you felt the same.” He admitted, mussing his hair. 

“It’s funny, because I wasn’t either.”

“Well, now we ca—”

Killua yanked Gon’s shirt, his open mouth smashing into soft, ready lips. His heart sped up and his eyes grew as big as saucers, the shock of Killua’s advances ripping his lungs from his ribcage. 

Then he relaxed, leaning into the kiss. Their lips moved hungrily and knowingly, liked they’d done it a thousand times before in another life. He placed his hands on Killua’s chest, steadying himself as the heat between their faces enveloped him, warmed him. 

Gon didn’t realize it then, but he had fallen headfirst into the rabbit hole, cut off from the rest of the world, stepping into a much stranger, smaller one that only he and Killua would inhabit.

And he wouldn’t leave for a long, long time.

*

The university’s bookstore was filled with students browsing shelves and chatting amongst themselves, the early research-stage of dissertations and scholarly articles apparent in everyone’s agenda. Gon searched the “nature” section for a book about farming that would help with his agricultural class. 

The shelves were packed with encyclopedias the size of cement blocks, each edition crammed tightly against the other and tinier novels ordered by color and sub-category. Of course, he knew how to locate books, but he was unsure of where to start in such a crowded place.

“Need any help?” 

Gon turned around to see a slouched, smiling guy with lime green eyes and butter blonde hair (with a beard to match) holding a box of various books. The lanyard around his neck read “Meleoron, Campus Store Stocker”.

He smiled back. 

“Yeah. I’m looking for a book on farming. Something that goes in depth.”

“Hmm,” Meleoron set the box down and scratched his chin. “Any specific author in mind?”

“Well, I would prefer it if it were written by Yoshinaga Michi. He’s an expert on agricultural practices.” Gon mentioned, stepping aside to let Meleoron look. 

The friendly man crouched down, pulling out loaves of books to inspect their covers. Gon watched him skim the pages, shake his head, and toss the books into a pile, grunting in frustration until he let out an _aha!_

“This what you had in mind?”

He handed Gon a medium-length paperback titled _The Culture of Agriculture,_ the correct author’s name displayed on the front. Gon read the summary inside the book jacket, pleased. 

“It actually was, thanks!” Gon exclaimed, tucking the book under his arm. 

“No problem.” said Meleoron, dusting off his jeans. “Anything else?”

“Nope. I’m all set.” 

“Then I’m glad I could help.” He leaned forward to pick up the pile of books, Gon bending to do the same. Meleoron brushed the side of Gon’s arm in appreciation, which he found slightly odd, but not uncomfortable. 

Meleoron turned to assist another student, waving at her kindly, but before walking toward her, he glanced back at Gon and gave him a quick, but noticeable, wink. 

*

His neck was killing him. And so was his boss. 

“That should’ve been emailed to the client two hours ago.” 

Wing hovered over him, tapping his fingers annoyingly on the ceramic desk Gon worked over. It took all of Gon’s strength not to groan out loud, clenching a pen between his fingers.

“Sir, the WiFi was out two hours ago, remember? I had to drive to a Starbucks just to complete these spreadsheets.” 

Wing folded his arms, unconvinced. “You’re still slacking. I need those emails sent as soon as possible so I can contact my accountant.” 

He stepped away without another word.

Gon sighed, rolling his tense, aching neck. He still had three assignments to finish after work and Wing had made him stay overtime to catch up on outbound calls, emails, and other duties. He almost regretted staying up late with Killua the previous night to watch horror movies, but the sly troublemaker had convinced him they were rare, government-conspiracy films and would soon be unavailable to the public. 

Killua. 

Their kiss had been magical. Gon couldn’t stop thinking about it, especially that evening, when he was alone in his bed and could still feel the ghost of Killua’s lips on his own. 

He wondered if he’d thought about it too, if he liked the way Gon caressed his jaw and pressed softly against his nose. 

They’d imprinted on each other, his friend now branded on his mind, his heart. 

Friend? 

Gon didn’t think the word deemed appropriate anymore, considering the two had made out for almost an hour in Killua’s room. That wasn’t something _friends_ did, and even if they decided to make things...official...how would they ever go back to being normal after their shared confessions?

He tried not to stress over it, instead opening a folder of emails to distract himself. He wanted to hurry up and get home—his geology paper was due at midnight and it was his turn to cook dinner (steak, corn, and mashed potatoes). 

He just hoped that things wouldn’t change between him and Killua, even if their feelings had. 

But needed to ask himself...weren’t they always there?

 _Of course,_ he thought, typing away as happy, warm memories of admiration and longing settled in his head. _I’ve always loved Killua._

*

He always looked forward to Aunt Mito’s calls, her cheery, loving voice like music to his ears. Gon couldn’t hear it enough. 

“The neighbor’s cat’s been following me around, I'm sure of it!” She insisted, half-shouting and half-laughing. 

“Maybe she likes you!” Gon exclaimed, chuckling lightly at the supposition. He missed listening to her daily complaints, laying on their sofa as she went on and on about loud, misbehaved children and rude, inconsiderate mailmen. 

“Don’t say that—you’ll make me want to keep her. The house’s been so empty without you here.”

Guilt fulminated in his chest, making him feel heavier than he’d ever felt before. Aunt Mito must’ve noticed from the abrupt silence over the line, because she was quick to assure him there was nothing to worry about. 

“But no need to fret, sweetie. I’m fine on my own. You just keep doing whatever it is you’re doing over there.” 

“Yeah...yeah...okay.” He managed to say, slackening. 

“You’ll take care of yourself for me, right?”

Gon sniffled a bit. “Yeah, alright.”

They hung up a moment after when she murmured something about having back pains and feeling tired. He went to join Killua in the kitchen, who seemed concentrated on stirring a bowl of strawberries in water.

“What’cha doing?” He almost laughed, standing beside his friend, close enough that their shoulders touched. 

“I read online that if you put strawberries in a mixture of salt and water, tiny bugs will come out.”

“Gross!” Gon squealed, his face scrunching in disgust.

“Nature Boy afraid of some bugs? What has the world come to?” Killua baited, smirking. 

Gon glowered playfully. “Screw you.”

Killua left the bowl to marinate, opening the fridge for the jug of chocolate milk. Gon reached in the cupboard for a glass, setting it in front of Killua before he could get it himself. 

“Thanks, babe.” 

It was like something had nicked them at the same time, the way they both gasped at the simple, innocent term of endearment. Gon had gone rigid, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

“Well, that’s what you are, right? I mean..what are we now, Gon?” 

Killua stared straight into his eyes, vulnerable and sincere. He stepped closer to Gon, taking both his hands, holding them tight. 

“What are we?” he repeated. 

Gon tossed the question around in his head. 

Killua was the person he confided in, the one he could talk to for hours upon hours and never get bored. He was the person he loved to hassle but hated to see upset, the person who encouraged him, motivated him, and understood him. He was the person who was such an important piece of his existence, he’d wouldn’t make sense without him. Killua was his wave, and he the sea. Killua was his cloud, and he the sky. 

“We’re t-together...I want to be with you f-f-forever, Killua. You’re...my everything.”

And he meant it. He’d been shy at first, uncertain if all the emotions he’d been sealing inside of him were valid, if he was allowed to yearn so deeply for someone this much, if that was even a thing best friends did.

But the beautiful, impolite, thoughtful, long-suffering person he saw before him was smiling at him, his eyes sparkling under the kitchen light. 

Gon knew then, that it was okay. 

He lifted Killua’s left hand to his mouth, kissing it gently. He turned it so that Killua’s palm faced his lips, and kissed it too. 

“Do you...are you…” Killua stammered, clearly at a loss for words. 

“I’m sure. I’ve never been so sure about anything in my life. I _love_ you.” Gon professed, placing Killua’s hand on his chest, where the snow-skinned boy could feel his heartbeat.

“Be my boyfriend, Killua.”

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: lov3well


End file.
